DIARY

04/28/24

Wow it's been a while since I was here. A lot of things ended up happening and a lot of things are still happening even now. First of all, I really need to thank for the messages left in the guestbook, it warmed my heart to know that so many people liked what I did here and are interested in my project. I definitely didn't abandon Duplici, I had to stop for a while because I had some problems along the way, but I'm working on the storyboard and the definitive visuals for the characters and it's definitely a big boost to know it's something that sparked some curiosity, I hope I can do a good job. I'm watching David Lynch's masterclass to help more, the way he proposes ideas works for me and another interesting idea emerged in this process and is being developed little by little. Apart from that, I need to make improvements to my website, I don't know anything about HTML to tell the truth lmao, everything I learned was in a rush that lasted a few days when I was sick. There are a lot of accessibility things to be improved here and I intend to do this in the time I have left over the weekend, until everything is done I have simplified some areas of the site. It's funny and embarrassing to go back and reread the things I wrote in this diary, it's a bit uncanny to see such old emotions recorded and I must admit that I'm very dramatic in my writing, but they must remain, it would be dishonest to delete them.

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11/19/23

I should have studied more today, but it's hard to think straight in this heat. So I decided to give the blog part a makeover, which will still take some time. I ended up rereading my diary in the process and I think everything I said is complete nonsense hahaha but it's not worth removing either, I can't erase the clown footprints in my life, they are part of it. It really gets me that when I get into certain hyperfocus like I did with Baahubali, I end up consuming everything like a completely amazed child and I was like that with RRR for a long time too, until I came to my senses after reading this text so I need to rewatch both with a more critical eye. although I still love both works with all my heart. The same thing with the Mahabharata, even though this is the best Western translation, there is still a lot of things reduced and I don't know at what point the american and brazilian translations diverge because there are statements about some gods at the end of the book that are completely wrong.

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11/16/23

Yesterday I read something personal that left me deeply upset and hurt in terms of my romantic feelings, in a way that at least lit some spark for me to turn on my musical keyboard again. I bought an adapter so I could play using my headphones and go back to studying music. I don't know anything beyond the basics, the desire to really learn only came back this year and I also want to learn to play the guitar too. I'm intuitively arriving at a melody, the chords that match or not, I know I should study first and I'll do that as I reacquaint myself with the keyboard, but I'm not in the mood to study yet because that won't distract from the pain, but creating something helps. I wrote song lyrics when I was a teenager (I lost them all btw lol), but I never wrote melodies. Now I'm trying to write lyrics through the melody I'm creating. This is a reverse process that at first seems very similar to the idea of having a baby. When I wrote the lyrics I was idealizing an already born child, their hair, the color of their eyes, the sound of their laughter, their movements, etc. The process is now much more complex, the baby will actually be formed from the development of its skeleton, its flesh, its neurons. I will only know his appearance and his personality (the lyrics) when they are fully formed and so far it has been a pleasant experience.

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09/21/23

Oh well I've been away a lot longer than I wanted to and I haven't done much with my time away to be honest lmao. I have been fighting against my executive dysfunction, it wins most of the time, but at least I managed to break the problem I have with time a little, now I need to improve my desire to do so much in just one day, I can't, I'm not able and I'm still trying to manage it. I'm back because I'm quite sad too, but tolerably sad, just not tolerable enough to open more than tumblr, it's been a while since I've been on Instagram, I don't want to see everyone having fun while I have nothing to offer to be honest and this is no one's fault, not even mine, considering everything I have to deal with, it's something in my way and I know it will eventually go away. In the meantime I'll be updating some things here, and going back to focusing on Duplici, I improved my drawing a little so this will help with the storyboard and I have to change the art I did for it to a better one.

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07/27/23

As I research more about Indian cinema, history and religion, I am coming into contact with the serious problem of the caste system. At the moment I'm understanding the problems that exist in Rajamouli's films. The interesting thing is that in the translation into pt-br of the Mahabharata there is no mention in the introduction about the dalits and so far I haven't seen anything about the adivasi either.

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07/24/23

I'm going through a phase of autism rage. I hate everything, I hate that we have to wait for any allistic person to decide if we have ASD or not and if we go through enough difficulties for us to be considered autistic so that we can have some miserable dignity to find a job that doesn't require nonsense that we can't do among several other things that would be a little more bearable if we had an assessment report (I'm talking about the brazilian experience, I don't know how it works in other countries). I'm tired of people feeling uncomfortable when we talk about our problems, thinking we're pretending or making a fuss about it, tired of people treating us like taboo or like lab mice, I'm tired of masking. And I'm exhausted that we have to step out of a so called comfort zone to please all the other people who have no idea and don't even want to know what it's like to go through this. These last few days I just want to blow it all up.

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07/20/23

It feels so good to be insanely passionate about things, a couple of people and various topics, I can't wait to read the translation of Mahabharata by William Buck, I can feel his love for it and I tremendously respect that.

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07/19/23

Qin Shi Huang Di's obsession with immortality is nothing close to my excruciating desire for a candy. Fausto wouldn't even come close to knowing my yearning. And I cannot eat it because of my stomach and current diet, I'm suffering. I might as well just eat one and face the horrors of pain with satisfaction. (This is suppose to be funny but who knows).

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07/17/23

I saw this image earlier on instagram and it ended up causing me to have some loose thoughts. It's a beautiful image, but I imagine it might even sound a little too innocent due to the superficial ideas spread around about what self-love would be, there's even a comment in it talking about guilt or shame, I don't remember which it was, being essential for religious reasons. I knew many stages of love before knowing self-love, so I have my own opinion about the image. Love and self-love aren't easy at all, although the image might give the impression that they would be. Love is a much harder path than shame. Our entire lives are and always will be filled with successful examples of what shame does, shame is the norm. Examples of successful love are scarce, it's not that they don't exist, but discovering love is an extremely complicated task. I wouldn't say that love is selfless, at least not in the first stage, love can only become selfless if you understand your own worth, it's not about pride it's about dignity. From that maxim "if you can't love yourself how are you going to love someone else?" the truth is that you can love the other without loving yourself, but the chances of you being humiliated, despised and mistreated for not recognizing yourself as a human being with your own rights are enormous. Love and self-love are not easy at all and they are not silly things, they will always bring hard lessons that need to be learned so we can flourish. Because in the act of loving one seeks honesty, one seeks the truth, things can only move forward when seen for what they are, whether ugly or beautiful, they can only change when they are accepted in their total existence.

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07/14/23

Apparently I am the Sisyphus of disease.

I can't get Baahubali out of my mind. I need to consume everything it can offer me to the last drop and I saw that there is an animated series and I will be watching it soon. I want to see how far this all goes, that way I'll get to the Mahabharata. I even want to watch the two movies in telugu, I just need to look for it in some private tracker because I haven't found it yet.

I was debating whether I loved Baahubali: The Conclusion or RRR more, but definitely listening the music and all again, RRR stands the test of time in my heart. RRR reminds me of Sholay because the first part of Sholay is one of the best things I've seen in my life. From the immense joy of the beginning to the catharsis before the break. But the second part is just... I don't even have words to describe the grief I feel. It's really like watching a fire and not being able to do anything about it other than seeing the ashes that will remain in the end. I don't conform, I can't get over it. In my heart I feel that it should have been different and RRR with its ending proves to me that it was possible (if I was going into logical merits I could say that the ending of RRR is a little rushed, but sentimentally it is everything it should have been and I am completely satisfied with it). And if on one hand I have this uncontrollable mourning, on the other one I have uncontrollable joy, both films are extremes of emotion for me and I think they will be for a long time.

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07/13/23

I still can't get this one out of my head.

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07/12/23

To paraphrase Goncharov "the trouble is you think you have time". To the contrary, the problem is I don't think I have time, but I do and now I have a deep faith too, I need to sink to the bottom of this greasy gray cake that one thing I have is time, transcendental time.

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07/09/23

I just learned about the term flanderization and noticed that they did it with Deadpool.

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🎈07/08/23🎈

And the date arrived lol. I'm not going to ask life to take it easy because I know it won't happen (and when your cards are the tower and the chariot that doesn't happen anyway hehe and today is not being an easy day either), so I ask to have more energy to go after everything I want and do what I have to do. And I ask for more patience, patience to be kind and patience to be more understanding with myself and others, and I also ask for tenacity to live with dignity and strength.

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07/07/23

It's normal to be depressed on the eve of your birthday, I guess.

Discovering the kibbe system was a really cool thing and took the weight off of bothering me about having big arms and being fleshy (which I think is a cute word).

Thinking in that DC issue, from last year I think, where Wonder Woman exists until the end of everything. Usually really eternal deities are beyond the concept of time, like Ma Kālī, but I think it makes sense for her to be so human and to suffer from it being a greek goddess.

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07/06/23

This trailer of Heart of Stone is shitty, but the fact is written by Greg Rucka caught my attention and the funny fact that Gal is on it. If I take a look it'll be because of him and for Alia Bhatt. I don't think it will be good but I want to see Alia as a vilain.

It's really funny how I've been seeing doppelgangers of people I know since I started writing Duplici and now Billy Bat comes with that too.

Frogs:

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07/04/23

I think this entry will be a little longer because I feel like writing and chatting today.

There's something really nice about even doing this, some people know and are consciously inclined to it, others go with the flow half asleep. It's what makes any place where you can write attractive, in one way or another, with its positive and negative sides. It's putting yourself like a character, like intimate letters in a book, never in the imagination of the one who writes it is another "person" (and in shittier cases a stalker, or a kind of voyeur), so to speak, who will see, but a reader, the gaze feeling is different. I always have a ghost reader in my head, which has probably always influenced the way I write. I just have no idea if this ghost is real, if it's interested in some of the nonsense I say, but there's fun even in that.

My house is cold, freezing to the point where I have to wear 3 coats and two pants. It's horrible to wake up in the morning and I've yet to get it right. I cut a pair of pantyhose to use as a second skin on top and try to warm it up a bit. It turned out good and I should use it with other things when I can finally leave the house. I hate talking about illness, but I can't take it anymore. I miss going out, I miss getting ready. The last outfit I wore was some sort of orange vest with a scoop neckline and a high vampire collar along with black linen pants and a black coat with shoulder pads and my usual black loafers, as I'm taking better care of my hair it was really nice too and I was able to do something à la bettie page with it. It's a kind of visual to keep. I would say my style is a pendulum between Mariko Shinobu and Rei Asaka.

Today I talked to a friend about how our states are the last two on the list of the number of people who live in the capitals, which is quite funny because by the number that makes our capitals in country towns in a way, but I always felt that about mine even without knowing this fact and that's why I never had much concrete interest in moving there. I like chaotic places, which is a funny contradiction given my personality, but I'm drawn to it. We also discussed the magic of the mall, I remember seeing a person from São Paulo on twitter complaining about who was fascinated by the theme, but I think it's something you can only understand if you weren't born in a big city. I can bet that fascination will last my whole life even if the intensity wanes.

Despite my health problems I have to pull myself together a little, I have a birthday present to make and I have to do something for my birthday too, nothing special in the case, I don't want to celebrate it this year because I still don't feel like there is something to celebrate, but I believe next year will be different, at least I hope it will be. Having said all that, I must spend the date working on my short film because it makes me feel good. I'll probably post the first storyboard art soon, I'm really excited for this, I thought I'd post the draft, but I think I'll post it later.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking about Daybreakers, I got a certain fondness for this movie. If I lived in a world where 90% of the population became a vampire and had to continue living a normal life I would definitely end up in an ashtray (imagine becoming a vampire and having to work at something boring because food and blood are the same thing and you need pay to have, I pass thank you very much). I like that touch of cynicism (although it's just a drop in the film), it's a kind of fantasy dystopia that you don't see much around, I'd like to see more things like it, maybe even create something like that. Well, I've been carrying around an idea about vampires ever since my brain associated Rose of Flesh And Blood with The Laughing Vampire, so who knows.

Speaking of movies, I saw a new favorite on sunday: A New Love in Tokyo, but I don't want to talk about it yet. It's fresh and happy in my thoughts right now and also snuggled in my heart.

Ah still talking about movies, I've been reading more things about Baahubali, it's been really nice to find interesting reviews and discussions about the film (mainly because I haven't rewatched the second part yet so it may be that the explosion of feelings changes or not in the second watch), there is a racial issue in the first part that has made me reflect a lot on its approach. All the texts have been very rich in opening my horizons about the Indian film industry and how it works.

I think I wanted to write because I'm waiting for a delivery, I'm always like that depressed thomas shelby compilation when I'm waiting for an order. There are two handmade journals, one for religious purposes and the other for practical and artistic purposes. It's irritating, but I won't stop thinking about them until they arrive. At least until now I had forgotten about them while writing lol.

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07/02/23

(This will probably only make sense in portuguese) I'm noting more details about what could make up the capixaba accent. My cousin's girlfriend from Minas Gerais once said that we usually put 'i' where there is no such as in 'arroz' which becomes 'arroiz' and 'três' which becomes 'treis'. Today I noticed that we pronounce the 'u' in several words that end with 'o' as in 'oito' which becomes 'oitu', 'medo' which becomes 'medu' and 'escuro' which becomes 'escuru'. I just can't say if people from the metropolitan area also talk like that or if it's something from the countryside.

Ray of light video is the gay Koyaanisqatsi.

If there was any possibility of having a tournament for the title of being Goro Majima I would win, I would win against the strongest, the tallest, the most armed, the most talented martial artist, I would beat everyone with my bare hands, I would simply win, it's a fact.

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07/01/23

Enough of this suffering, I choose not to suffer from this situation anymore. This feeling, this genuine emotion must never be in a situation where it is unknown, underestimated and devalued again.

Cazuza made this one for me, I know he did.

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06/30/23

I can't wait to not be sick anymore and I feel like I've regressed, the funny part of it is I think it's emotional because I want to get better so bad it makes me sicker. This is postponing all my plans. Well apart from that, a friend came to me with the curious fact that it makes more sense for Batman and Daredevil to be called by each other's names and it does make a lot of sense indeed.

I'm thinking of rewatching Baahubali without subtitles today as there's not much more I can do. I feel that Rajamouli is very similar to John Woo in his romanticism, I have yet to find another director who makes so much emotion explode in a film as they do.

I rewatched Baahubali: The Beginning and the romance scene still feels weird to me as a female even though I like it when he commits to Avantika's cause afterward. I ended up reading a text about the film that irritated me a little because it complained about the attitude of the female characters, basically complaining about their flaws. I read this as a desire for Mary Sue characters because for me some flaws are extremely normal, like Rajamatha's, nothing she does is something a proud king wouldn't do, there's nothing more equating to a complex male character than the nuances contained in her qualities and defects. Not to mention that certain flaws are essential for the plot to develop, make perfect characters that never falter in a story and that's it, don't have a story! Because nothing will move forward. The text also protested about their lives revolving around Baahubali, well there's a fair exchange in the movies about that, his life (theirs actually) also revolves around the women and I'd say that this side is stronger, the warriors just become the men they are because of them. And I don't even know if in the context of wanting a righteous king back on the throne there is a problem with having things revolve around him, I also don't think it's a fair criticism when we see all Devasena's people living and dying focused on her rescue (there is a criticism about her arrest, but I thought this complaint was something about not being able to add 1+1 so I don't see much reason to comment). But I really agree about Avantika, her scene is strange as much as I know that all that is figurative, I understand what Rajamouli wanted to convey there, but I think he failed and could have done it better and more developed, it was really uncomfortable. Hmm I don't know what else to say, I think that in general I defend the right of female characters to have flaws and in this particular case I also do it because I didn't find any "failure" of Devasena and Rajamatha an absurd thing, I've seen several royal male characters doing similar things, with the same purpose of making a plot move, so I can't help but consider them realistic.

There is something hurting me a little in my life and I think I should deal it with more sincerity if I still have the opportunity to do it.

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06/29/23

Uh I never thought I would hear someone say they wanted to have autism, that was just as unpleasant as hearing that everyone is a little autistic.

I sort of understood that an old math problem of mine was a matter of perspective (now it look obvious, but it wasn't for a long time). I don't very easily see the part before the whole, but the opposite. My childhood problem of understanding the number set was nothing but a matter of point of view. When I think from the biggest R to the smallest N it's much easier to visualize than the way it's taught from N to R.

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06/28/23

Yesterday I made a sketch of my characters for Duplici's storyboard, I want to convey a vibe of scary children's stories, a bit like those from the Monster manga, I don't know if I'll be successful at that, but I think something cool will come out.

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06/26/23

I had an almost religious experience with Bāhubali: the conclusion. Wonderful.

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06/24/23

I think I'm done for now. I wrote everything being sick, so I was like a maniac to finish and correct everything I could simply because of the desire to put the site online. Now I'm going to die in a corner and watch some movie after a long time. I'm between Baahubali and Sanshiro Sugata and inclined to the longest. I will study better later to make my page responsive.

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